one day, we are gonna get out

running out of things to do, plots to go and music to play the other night at the cemetery, the conversation of the brothers moran meandered around various topics. eventually, i don't know how but i'm kind of glad it did end up at the topic of going back to the U.S. of A, and staying there permanently, at that. the conversation stoked many different feelings stashed away within my soul but not kept out of reach; every one of them completely and blissfully nostalgic.

it's no secret (well, i'm pretty sure it's not, i keep mentioning it whenever i get the chance) that i love it back there, and i wanna go back - for good. i miss the chi. i miss fontana. hell, i even miss temecula/murietta. i've always postulated that i envision my future to be there and not here, not particularly because i damn this place to hell and there is absolutely no future, but because to begin achieving my dream, i have to be there and not here. it's a matter of logistics, actually. i have it all planned out.

the seeds have been sown and steadily they grow. one day in the uncertain future i'm gonna leave. again. i honestly don't know when, so i might as well accomplish as much as i can right here. and next time, i won't make such a big deal out of it anymore. i'm pretty inclined to agree with gabriella, and not because she's so damn hot, but because it makes a whole lot of sense, and i like it. i'll just walk away. it's kind of cruel to leave my peeps hanging (well, not completely, i just won't draw it out like i did before) but it's for my own good, anyway.



though then again, this is still speculation. nothing's concrete. it may be sooner rather than later, but it could also be later rather than sooner. there's no denying, however, that i'm wishing that it's the former - there's an itch in all three of us brothers that is waiting to be scratched by getting on that plane out of here. yeah, that's how much i... no, we, miss it.

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Now playing: Coldplay - Lovers In Japan/Reign Of Love
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re: connect

got dragged by the dark one to an impromptu trick-or-treating session at pishy's house. naturally, everyone who is anyone who hung out at the gazebo during senior year (except asha, BOO) were there. i haven't seen them in a while, too. i did have fun, though something was amiss, but that's a story for another day.

anyway, i had to leave early to fetch justin. as i was saying my goodbyes to my long-lost friends, i had a short exchange with steph. i basically blurted out that i will see them again soon (naturally, i was uncertain when "soon" actually was in my calendar) and she quickly retorted with, "when is soon? next year?"

immediately i felt a dull pang. dull, but it was there. dull because i knew i would eventually get around to reflecting on it later.

was it really that bad? i suppose it was. i still feel guilty. i kind of felt the frustration in steph's voice as she said it. however, you can't really blame me - it's not easy to maintain high school bonds when there are two el train lines separating colleges where most of the people you grew up with chose to go. now that my mother's not teaching in taft anymore i have less reason to go to taft, unlike last year when i was there nearly as much as i was in UP.

however, this is the risk we all understood by graduating in the first place. we may not have accepted it, but it's there. we will get pulled in separate directions. that doesn't mean we can't see each other again, but the chance goes down like mercury in the north pole. maybe i was just guilty that i didn't actively try and connect with them again. one thing is for sure, though - it was still good seeing everybody again.

as for "soon," well, only fate knows when that is. never despair; it will happen. we just don't know when, but rejoice in the fact that it will happen.

what to do when either goes wrong

i feel a little guilty now. it's sembreak and naturally, the 'birds are restless. leiron has gotten back in the dota groove thanks to his bandmates, and now he's done nothing this sembreak but ask us to play. i can't blame him, though. it's all i can do to help save myself from boredom and get me some much needed camaraderie (college can suck that right out of your life). just so happens we just had two good games, which so happened to get rid of my headache. (food for thought.)

i feel guilty because in the process, i had to unintentionally ignore angelica. well, this is the kind of thing that helped kill my last real relationship, no doubt. and leiron's, too. i suppose boys will be boys. human nature can be blamed, but it's never a good excuse. it never is. the fault will lie on we who fall into temptation.

i guess we'll just have to run with the next time promise. i probably owe somebody a few more kisses. :))

ain't gettin' no younger, might as well do it

this is an official scan of the essay i wrote for the SATs. i just remembered that i can't really let you in on the question (it's in the rules) but i'm pretty sure you can get an idea just by reading the essay. it got me a score of 8, out of a perfect score of 12, with two raters each giving me a score of 4 (naturally, out of a perfect 6). apologies for the unusually unruly penmanship, i was wielding a trusty yet slightly alien #2 pencil.

the topic of my SATs came from a little minor discussion on a forum i habit - you can say they were trying to up each other's scores (so far no one has topped my 1800) so i went back to good ol' collegeboard.com and after overcoming minor amnesia with regards to my password (forgot that i needed to use a number) i saw my scores, and to my amusement, scans of my essay, which you can see up there. i was tremendously amused, although i have this nagging feeling that i've already seen it before, because it brought back memories of that cold december morning in brent mamplasan, where i took the SATs with a bunch of foreign kids. oh, and mel aka lisa. familiar faces always bring relief.

my hopes of the SAT scores still being of some use are still up. it does feel kinda cool and special (the non-retarded kind) to be part of a group of few people here in this country, a land of college-specific entrance exams, who can say that they actually have internationally-recognized scores to boast.

good mornin'.

tonight, out in the street, out on the moonlight

'bout time i raised this guy from the dead, new threads, and all.

it's 1:15 in the morning now and i know i should be asleep, but i just had the craziest idea to revive this. i'm kind of lax on the blogging side now and i think i need an out again. so here i am, reviving this after nine months of inactivity. i only hope that i can keep updating this again - if i do, i'll personally go on a viral ad campaign to re-promote this.

so the homies got together on the on-line side to play some dota. good stuff - took me back to summer of 2006 where the dark one and i would just stay up late (in our respective timezones; there was a 13-hour difference that time) to just practice, practice, practice. actually, he did most of the staying up - while he was up late over here, i was spending it as a fine chicago early afternoon. either way; good stuff. nostalgic. it's been a while since my last true nostalgia kick.

then we wound down with a couple of rounds in the melee. that took me way even further back to 2002. i don't know why, but i love this year, musically at least. it was my personal peak year of the radio. good music, if a little cheesy. warcraft 3 was new, and i, no, we milked it for all it was worth. an amalgam of visual, auditory, and bodily experiences. it's unexplainable, you just had to be there. you just had to be me. you just had to be confined in a hospital for five days and playing warcraft while you were recuperating back home. i don't know, it was a weird yet great experience. something in my brain must've been affected by the dengue.

this is it for now. i'm not in a right state of mind. i miss my angelica.

i promise, my writing shall improve as i go on restoring this (or at least, attempting to) to its former glory. ;)

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Now playing: Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody
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you hope that he gets what he deserves

this is a week late, but bear with me.

a little over two years ago, in the 13th of november of 2005, eddie guerrero was suddenly taken away from us. the internet wrestling community (wasn't a part of this yet at the time) grieved, and i too posted my grievances on this same blog. but after a while, everyone moved on. the show must go on, like freddie valiantly said. i loved his antics and his matches, but i only knew him through the tv screen. i mention this to people and they always think of the usual suspects, but my hand was at the quick, to defend his integrity because it was public knowledge that the guy had been clean for a good while now.

seven months ago, one of eddie's bestest best friends chris benoit suddenly went all batshit on us and offed himself and his family. why he did that, we will ultimately never know as he's already silenced himself. once again, up to that point, i loved chris benoit both as a person and an in-ring performer, despite knowing him as well through the tv screen, where anything can be distorted. we all believed that he was a good person, and i'm willing to accept that fact just as long as it's not mentioned in the same breath as the june incident. at first i thought he just went totally mental (and that is the general consensus... i think) at the time and shouldn't contribute to his general personality. i also couldn't grasp how people weren't able to manage to separate the chris benoit in the ring and the chris benoit outside the ring, by vowing not to watch any match with a mere speck of benoit in it. but now... i don't know what exactly to believe, and i've stopped trying to pursue that end of the truth.

and then we have heath ledger.

obviously he has barely anything in common with the two wrestlers other than the fact that they're actors (yeah, they're actors) and, well, they're dead, way ahead of their time. but you and i, we know these guys only through a screen. i can't ultimately tell you that chris benoit was either a good person or a bad person, because when it comes down to it, that's not my call. i can't be too sure that eddie was completely clean at the time of his death because there's been evidence of some of the bad stuff a couple of weeks before that morning. you and i can't be as damn sure as well about what really really really went down with heath, beyond the headlines and the dirt sheets. there were pills around his bed, but what of them?

what did we really know? nothing, aside from the fact that he had just finished playing a demented joker in the next batman film (wonder how that's gonna turn out). purportedly he locked himself in a room to prepare for the role. it's the things like this that raise all sorts of silly speculations that distract from the fact that the man is dead. sure, we're all curious, but these days we can never be satisfied with the "how" than with the "why". and it's natural, i guess.

it's possible, yet difficult, to raise speculation without passing judgment. heightened curiosity would be completely tolerable if people would just ask without throwing useless cents in their answers. if he was an addict or whatever-pathic, does it matter? it never dampened his skill in acting. if more people can just manage to do that, then heath's soul could rest in peace. in fact, it would be better for people to be just happy for him as he's free from this life's problems. it's better to move on, for like you and me (unless you were actually a close friend of the guy - acquaintances don't count), we only knew him through a screen, and let's celebrate his life by reveling in what he did in that screen.

rest in peace, heath ledger. if anything, it made me curious enough to anticipate your joker portrayal. i hear jack nicholson is still pretty angry.

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Now playing: Kanye West - I Wonder
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bits and pieces

i'm sorry for neglecting you. now, for the lightning round!

***

the philippines has proved once again that their islands are full of idiots. after heavily griping about being badmouthed on desperate housewives, someone (here) had the genius idea of actually making a movie based on the show! it shows that we're 1) hypocrites, 2) unoriginal, 3) ksp. it would have actually been a genius idea if no one bothered to complain about the initial name-dropping.

***

and who was the idiot who thought manny pacquiao could act? hell, who was the idiot who thought manny pacquiao can host a tv show, especially in his accent?

***

the news is still despicable. i was watching it on new year's eve and they're showing a year-end review of 2007 crimes. and the victims and whoever's related want to see this on new year's fucking eve? the fucking eve of a fucking new year? hello, isn't the new year the prime metaphor for starting over? and they have to remember what they went through? hell, the news is still despicable. don't watch the news.

***

i have this problem with the term "OFW". i don't exactly know what, but i'll get around to it in the future.

***

that's it for today. happy new year, friends.

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Now playing: Chicago - Why Can't We
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