where to begin?

how do you know that you're already part of a group? do you declare yourself as a 'member of the crew' when you're able to do what the rest can? when you can already act like the others in your group? but what if you can't yet? you feel that you don't belong. you feel that you're not ready. you feel that you're not in their league. right?

i'm talking with jam right now (drat, nothing to link to) and something she said made me think about what happened during the yfc mega camp earlier in july this year (hello leiron, eibee, etc). us, the facilitators, were gathered at the back before the initiation through prayers, while the new recruits were placed at the front, listening to the ongoing droning about whatever it was (i was subjected to that last year and now i've seemed to have forgotten what it was about). now, we were subjected to pep talk about the initiation, and during a prayer, something overwhelming happened. after it was over, it seemed like everyone else around me, and when i say everyone else, i exclude myself, were moved by the event that just happened right before their very eyes. (cliche line, i know.)

now that made me think, how come i was not moved? am i really lacking in faith? do i belong here amongst the group of facilitators? am i supposed to be here with them, helping along with bringing the people up there closer to God?

from that moment on i've promised myself not to join any other upcoming yfc camps until i'm really ready for it. no, not even lsyc.

okay, it's the christmas party tomorrow, and i'm only distributing a record number of 4 gifts only. how sad. it's because i wasn't able to find a lot of time to shop, and when i did, my brain wouldn't cooperate with me. (i.e. what should i get mayee? i don't know. damn.) ps2 marathon tomorrow. magic sing marathon, maybe.

please visit our novel blog here: thankless knowledge. you'll get a kick out of it if you're bored.

good night. =)