my nerves are all cracking up

i guess i'm having a nervous breakdown. talumpati is up tomorrow, and i'm just done with phase 1: re-editting your speech. then i have to memorize, and then aim on actually finishing the speech decently.

i remember my last monologue. grade 7. florante at laura. i was the king, and i just made the script up the day before the actual op, then i was shouting because kings possess authority. after the whole thing (i had to pause somewhere in the middle since i forgot my so-called lines) i found that my score was 3 points away from perfect, so i guessed that narrating yourself in a loud voice helped it.

but damn, it was still scary. as so with all things having to do with public speaking. it gives me a nervous breakdown (AND DAMNED ANXIETY ATTACKS... do you know how it feels like to have a sudden attack of LBM-ishness before you come up next?) since i'm overconscious anyway and there is a whole bunch of critics before me led by the master critic, the teacher. but then some of the bunch don't care. God bless those of you.

so i guess the only way to escape this is to die. but some people won't let me die, much less leave the country.