a warrior's chronicle

--the following blog entry may only be understood by people who have played a good RPG or two.--

hi. my name is...uhh...i forgot my name. it's either the player forgot it or the developers didn't make me one. or, the typical rpg-hero amnesia most of us come with. anyway, i'm a warrior. living in my mom's house. i start with absolutely no weapon at all, and my mom tells me to get a job and move my bum ass out of her house. anyway, i must go to the happy castle of gwyfold and ask the king to make use of my warriorrific abilities.

i don't remember where i get my sword, but i do know that my amazing 180 degree slash ability is innate. anyway, i meet happy little green...things on the road to gwyfold and i slash them with my sword. out of all the slashing i collect 8 gold on the way. i arrive at the castle and talk to the soilder. he says,

"Its weird. Monsters are gathering lately."

so i go inside, and talk to the commander -- whatever rank he was. he tells me to go to the town of norwille and meet up with his man named gohar. so i walk all the way south, while slashing the mean little green things, and reach the town. i walk around until i finally find his house, and meet some townspeople to give me quests. gohar tells me to make myself useful around norwille.

so i walk east and find two things: a cave and a harbor. the harbor is literally empty so i walk to the cave. i find that there are other areas separated by walls so i begin to slash little white monster-thingies. finding no way to reach the separated areas, i walk out of the cave and walk east to find a man wanting a toll fee to pass his frigging bridge! so i collect at least 500 gold and every hundred gold i go back to toll guy and still there is not enough money to satisfy him. jerk. so i try to bash some skeletons (oh. so that's what they are) around in that cave, and out of sheer desperation, i bang myself on the walls. from the continuous banging i hit a switch and those separated areas become magically accessible! so i learn that little circle thingies on walls are actually switches. gawd.

so i free the townsman's wife, and now gohar has a job for me; to sail across the sea on his (rather) large boat. gohar tells me to go to darksyth castle and ask the king for some kingly quests to give me. due to my usual rpg hero-ish amnesia i don't seem to remember that kingly quest but once my job is done in darksyth i meet an old man outside who is an actual merchant of secrets! for 30 gold he gets to tell me a half-true fact.

once i get back to norwille, i quickly learn that the king i've just worked for has been kidnapped! *cue thrilling music* so i quickly go to gohar, who tells me to meet up with his best soilder, who is named...bohar. (honestly.) he is on the rocky fields somewhere outside gwyfold, and i've gotta move my bum ass over there. first, there's this soilder blocking the way, and i get rid of him by talking once more to gohar. so i move on and find bohar seemingly unharmed amidst of happy little ogre-things wandering around him. he tells me that all his men have been eliminated by the ogre-things and he is now dying, even though we both know that i can kill the ogre-things with one attack from my 180-degree sword slash ability power. so, he dies on the spot, leaving me with a stinky corpse and his sword. (come on, even with my little rusty lopez here i can smack anyone in one hit.) i go back to gohar and tell him about...er...bohar's death.

old gohar says that with bohar's sword, i am nearly unstoppable. i realize that the old coot must be ignorant since i've earned 600+ gold with my rusty little knife and my ability to swing in complete 180 degrees. my master now turns off the game on his phone and leaves me to sit down, wondering what i really want to do with my life.

--done!--

hey. i have a boo! =))