it's 1 am and it's the silent kind of night. doing nothing but browsing my usual haunts; forums, plurk, blogs, stuff like that. my favorite webcomics haven't updated yet, crs hasn't decided to become useful again yet, i have to wait real time for MMA tycoon... yeah, life is slow. slower. i'm not feeling sleepish yet.
i'm a little on the fence for school coming again. part of me wants to break the monotony that my summer life currently is... but that means getting into a new monotony; the monotonous but hectic noise that school is. sometimes i could just sit back and try to be really, truly happy with all of it. the sad part is, most of the time, i'm really not.
a few days back, my homie hustle posted this column (go check it out, i made the banners. don't worry, this edition is not obviously that much about wrestling; it's kind of accessible enough) and, i have to admit, he really does a kickass job of putting into perspective and words some shit i go through or feel or agree with. in this case, he successfully manages to echo and verbalize my personality, while making eminem's beautiful even more personally relatable, to a degree (i'm not really a pained celebrity wishing to trade shoes with the common man).
in a nutshell, i am depressed, and i really don't know what i have to do to get out of this slump. i know that i'm truly happy with my love right now... but i find that i'm still depressed. i think too much. with regards to specific recent events, i'm a little fearful of my future now. i'm always assuming that the worst-case scenario is coming true, and that has hindered my ability to live and enjoy life from day to day, because i must always be bothered by my foresight, and that foresight always manages to twist what could be and what is. sometimes, really, sleep is the only escape, but then i get really weird dreams that kind of bother me in the morning.
most of the time i just dream of having a true fresh start, the kind that has eluded me and my family every now and then. sometimes we come close, but fate wouldn't deal its good hand just yet. soon, we hope. at the same time, i have qualms about (trying to) uproot myself, yet again. although, a bigger part of me really wants that do-over. we'll cross the bridge when we get there.
i guess, to put some blame for all of this, i can only point fingers to my father, who inevitably rubbed off his traits on me. you see, he has this thing for always being prepared, and always assuming the worst. the latter has led him to become a continually paranoid and negative kind of person, always obssessing and minding the worst that can happen, down to the littlest things that one is taught to just shrug off and forget in the end. that trait plus years of watching and idolizing house had rubbed off on me, and what was once an optimistic little boy has now become a jaded man who has thought everything out well, but is losing the ability to just live, enjoy, and ultimately, forget.
can that boy be salvaged? probably, but i haven't the slightest idea how.
so to the people who walk with me and share my joy, much love to you. to my lady who has put up with so much shit from me, i love you so much. you don't realize that every last one of you keep reminding me why life is to be lived and not really to be thought about.
and maybe i should just rest my tired old bones. it's almost 1:30. good night.
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Now playing: Miles Davis - Blue In Green
via FoxyTunes
now i get to comment on your blog. hurrah. :))
ReplyDeletehenyway. hey. i told you. it's some mid-something kind of crisis. you want to forget about it for a while? then don't think about it. haha. :))
hard to do, i know. but then again, if you really try hard enough, it works. go do something and make yourself busy muna. like, check out wordboner.com or something. hehe. :D
eh i like it eh. even the name has a ring to it. WORDBONER. hahaha. :))
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