live how i wanna live, die how i wanna die

If It All Ended Tomorrow - John Cena

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Now playing: Eminem - No Apologies
via FoxyTunes

i'm reaching out for you

it's been a while since i made something for myself.
don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.

(that's not its real size, by the way.)
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Now playing: Rev Theory - Voices
via FoxyTunes

summertime blues

this morning i installed all of starcraft, after coming to the quick conclusion that downloading it again was most probably a good idea. (it was.) now i'm going to play through the entire campaign series again, hopefully finishing it before school begins on the 9th (if UP could really afford to start it on the 9th).

in a span of at least two hours, i've blazed through 80% of the first terran campaign. granted, its difficulty level is a traditional slope upwards, and being the first campaign in the game EVER it's going to be hella easy, but that was something i could never have accomplished without cheating ten years ago, when the game was still relatively fresh.

i think it's funny how we, as children, easily resort to cheats. while yes, some if not most of us do grow out of it easily (with a few exceptions *cough*rodney*cough*), it's still pretty amusing that we actually found it fun to play with cheat codes. sure, cheating will get you stuff you literally couldn't get in a real game, and would totally advance you faster. however, nowadays, whenever i get too far in a game too easily (i.e. become too rich in a Sims household in just one sitting), i easily get bored and find that i start wanting to play something else.

i now wonder how, back then, i cheated and still lived with starcraft for a long time, without ever getting bored with the same old units and buildings. (okay, maybe me being a proficient, but not skilled, staredit tinkerer played a big part in that.)

i've concluded that i really do easily become bored with most things nowadays. i find myself quickly moving on from one thing to another, always trying to find something that could fight for my interest. the last game that really, truly held my interest was ff12, but i finished that game a month ago, and sadly, it doesn't do well enough to make me pop it back in and try to complete it 100%. here i am, always on the lookout for something new (or old) to play or do. hopefully, i can see starcraft through to the end.

most of the time, i keep hoping that my penchant for becoming too easily bored doesn't manifest itself in the things that really matter more. like, you know, relationships. thus, i find myself fighting and fighting and fighting for interest, by doing this and that, going out to places that include UP and their house, and by doing this, i find that i've done quite a good job of keeping not only myself, but other people entertained. pats on the back are in order for dealing with it.

now... i do wonder if i've made an iota of sense at all. if so, then awesome. if not, thanks for bearing with me anyway.

hopefully, little blog, i won't become bored with you.

'round midnight

it's 1 am and it's the silent kind of night. doing nothing but browsing my usual haunts; forums, plurk, blogs, stuff like that. my favorite webcomics haven't updated yet, crs hasn't decided to become useful again yet, i have to wait real time for MMA tycoon... yeah, life is slow. slower. i'm not feeling sleepish yet.

i'm a little on the fence for school coming again. part of me wants to break the monotony that my summer life currently is... but that means getting into a new monotony; the monotonous but hectic noise that school is. sometimes i could just sit back and try to be really, truly happy with all of it. the sad part is, most of the time, i'm really not.

a few days back, my homie hustle posted this column (go check it out, i made the banners. don't worry, this edition is not obviously that much about wrestling; it's kind of accessible enough) and, i have to admit, he really does a kickass job of putting into perspective and words some shit i go through or feel or agree with. in this case, he successfully manages to echo and verbalize my personality, while making eminem's beautiful even more personally relatable, to a degree (i'm not really a pained celebrity wishing to trade shoes with the common man).

in a nutshell, i am depressed, and i really don't know what i have to do to get out of this slump. i know that i'm truly happy with my love right now... but i find that i'm still depressed. i think too much. with regards to specific recent events, i'm a little fearful of my future now. i'm always assuming that the worst-case scenario is coming true, and that has hindered my ability to live and enjoy life from day to day, because i must always be bothered by my foresight, and that foresight always manages to twist what could be and what is. sometimes, really, sleep is the only escape, but then i get really weird dreams that kind of bother me in the morning.

most of the time i just dream of having a true fresh start, the kind that has eluded me and my family every now and then. sometimes we come close, but fate wouldn't deal its good hand just yet. soon, we hope. at the same time, i have qualms about (trying to) uproot myself, yet again. although, a bigger part of me really wants that do-over. we'll cross the bridge when we get there.

i guess, to put some blame for all of this, i can only point fingers to my father, who inevitably rubbed off his traits on me. you see, he has this thing for always being prepared, and always assuming the worst. the latter has led him to become a continually paranoid and negative kind of person, always obssessing and minding the worst that can happen, down to the littlest things that one is taught to just shrug off and forget in the end. that trait plus years of watching and idolizing house had rubbed off on me, and what was once an optimistic little boy has now become a jaded man who has thought everything out well, but is losing the ability to just live, enjoy, and ultimately, forget.

can that boy be salvaged? probably, but i haven't the slightest idea how.

so to the people who walk with me and share my joy, much love to you. to my lady who has put up with so much shit from me, i love you so much. you don't realize that every last one of you keep reminding me why life is to be lived and not really to be thought about.

and maybe i should just rest my tired old bones. it's almost 1:30. good night.

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Now playing: Miles Davis - Blue In Green
via FoxyTunes

everyone has a private world

welcome back to my blogspot. it's been a while, and i find that i could never really close you down. consider yourself lucky, little journal, you've got years' worth of history on you.

so what's new?

i had a blog all written up in my head already, but at this point in the night i don't have much energy left to think and scribe. maybe tomorrow night. just checking up on you, little blog.